Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
It's rum buckets o'clock
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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