We named our party play list daddy issues
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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