So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
