He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
