apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
