can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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