My underwear smells like fireworks.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
