Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
