I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
