Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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