I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
