so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
