I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
