I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
