We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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