I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
