omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
