oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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