I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
