I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Randomize
