??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
