I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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