Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
