I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
