I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
