Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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