Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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