Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
