I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
