This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
You are the jesus of drinking
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
