how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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