Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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