just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize