Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
