the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
