i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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