I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
