She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
