i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
