There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
