My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
