Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
