The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
