We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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