my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
