Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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