I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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