I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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