someone threw a dead crab at me
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
