It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
