I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
