its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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