Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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