I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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