smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
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