i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
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