During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
