My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
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