I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
